So the secret is out. GB and I are indeed ‘with child’. It’s all rather exciting but perhaps what is most exciting of all, is finally being able to talk about it with anyone other than each other. I’m now around 17 weeks and I’m in the second trimester already which is crazy. The first trimester of course, you’re kind of going it alone, and for that reason it lasts FOREVER and is hugely worrying and exhausting, for various reasons. I can’t tell you how much of a relief it’s been to finally ‘out’ ourselves and reveal the secret. To share with family and friends why we’ve been a little absent lately, why I’ve been loving lime and soda’s at every social occasion and why the smock dress/top has been my go-to clothing choice this summer.
And of course, it’s great to be able to talk and photograph everything freely again for the blog too. I apologise for things being a little quiet over here, but hopefully now you understand why updates weren’t as regular and outfit posts took a dip. I was just so darn frightened of accidentally showing an angle where my belly looked humongous under that smock top and revealing the secret inadvertently. But hopefully now, I can show all and share some bump friendly fashion updates with you too.
Anyway because I couldn’t share anything, over the course of the first trimester I kept a diary. It was really just a way for me to sort out all of the thoughts and feelings in my head and at least feel like I was talking to someone. GB was hugely supportive throughout but sometimes boys just don’t get it right? I used this space to record my feelings, the things my body was going through and the ups and downs we faced. I wasn’t sure whether I’d ever share it, or whether we’d even get to a stage where I could share it. But thankfully we have, and I decided it might be a nice way to let you in on the journey we’ve been on the last little while. I hope it’s not too personal, but feel free skip this one if you’re more interested in my food/travel posts.
22nd June 2016
Today, GB and I found out we are expecting our first child. We’ve done two pregnancy tests (and counting) so far just to be sure and, for me especially, it still doesn’t feel real.
I’m sure it might sound silly to say now but even before that faint line on the stick turned a darker shade of pink I think I already knew. For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling… odd. I can’t explain it any better than that. I’ve felt like I had a constant case of butterflies in my tummy which wouldn’t dissipate no matter where I was or what I was doing. I’ve had all the signs of an impending period – (sorry T.M.I?) – but they were intensified and went on much longer than they usually do each month before the next stage would have begun. My cycle is usually pretty regular and I guess I was officially due on around 4 days ago. However yesterday was my cut off date, the date I knew anything past that would have been unusual. The last four days have felt like a really long and strange waiting game. After a brief mention of it I banned GB from talking about it until we were past the 21st of the month. I can’t really explain why but I’ve been trying hard to put it out of my head for fear of getting too involved and feeling disappointed. But it’s been impossible. I’ve thought of nothing else for the last four days, every movement or trigger from my body was heightened and taken as a ‘sign’. Every baby I passed in the street, or pregnant bump I spotted on the tube would send a twinge of reminder, a twinge of excitement, a twinge of worry and then a sensible word to myself to just stop it.
Every single scenario has been running through my head and every single worry. Not least the three glasses of Prosecco I had last week when I mistakenly thought Aunt Flo had begun. Even today I stood in Boots after work for a good 20 minutes having an internal argument with myself over whether I should even buy a pregnancy test.
‘You’re being ridiculous – your period is just a bit late, no big deal’ along with ‘It’s never this late, buy the bloody test and stop torturing yourself ‘ and finally ‘but if I buy the test am I tempting fate, jinxing the outcome, letting myself get disappointed?’.
Eventually I shoved a two pack test in my basket, shuffled to the tills and fled the scene before I could analyse it any further.
After dinner we decided together that we needed to do one tonight. GB is heading off on a stag do tomorrow and I wasn’t sure I could survive until Sunday, another 4 days of torturous waiting.
I guess at the heart of all of this was the fact that I was too scared to admit this little thing that was going on in my body to anyone yet, least of all myself. To admit that the slightly unusual things I was feeling were real and not just a figment of my imagination. To admit what it all might mean, and what it might lead to.
I still feel like that. I felt like that even after my first laughable attempt at peeing on a stick (that definitely isn’t as easy as you’d imagine) seemed to show two lines almost immediately. I felt like that for the whole three minutes that we sat on the living room floor watching the timer go down on a phone screen, and I felt like that when I made GB go and look at the result first and tell me what it said. After a few ‘oh my god’s‘ and shocked laughs/tears I was pretty much left in a state of stunned silence. So much so that GB, who had a massive grin on his face, had to ask if I was ok, and happy about it.
Of course I’m happy. I’m probably happier about this than I’ve ever been about anything in my life before. But I’m also scared. Really scared. And I’m worried. And I’m still not fully convinced it’s actually happening.
I’m scared about those three glasses of Prosecco and what damage they might have done. I’m scared that it’s still so early days and we have such a long road ahead of us before I can truly relax and accept this new adventure we’ve found ourselves on. I’m scared that I’m not healthy enough, not fit enough, haven’t been taking folic acid and have been disregarding all of the signs my body has been giving me. I’m scared that my body might fail me, that something is now so outwith my control. I’m scared that even at such an early stage I might have already been a bad mother. I’m scared about everything that is coming my way.
But I’m also excited. Really truly, can’t admit it yet, excited. And even that is scary. Because I’m not sure I’m allowed to be excited yet.
And so we did another test – just to be doubly sure.
Yup, still pregnant.
I think that’s enough emotion for tonight – I have so many questions running through my head. Questions that even Google can’t answer definitively right now. Hopefully sleep will come and tomorrow I’ll be able to process this a little better.
23rd June 2016
Last night I had one of the worst sleeps. I can’t tell if it was because I had too much on my mind, too many questions, because I was too nervous, too excited or (most likely) all of the above. My stomach was also hurting a lot. Cramps on both sides of my abdomen. Shooting pains that just wouldn’t subside all night. Of course, I worried and took this as a warning sign but a fairly uneventful day at work, and another pregnancy test later (yes that’s the third, you may well find me doing one every day for the next three months) and we’re still in the same situation as yesterday. I’m just really tired and would love to shut my brain off.
I think the hardest part about of all of this already, even one day in, is that I can’t talk to anyone about it (other than GB of course). I’m dying to call up my two best friends, one of whom has just had a baby and one of whom is pregnant to say ‘is this normal?’ and ‘did you feel like this?’ and I’m DYING to speak to the one person who I would always speak to when I have any questions about anything in life – my Mum. And yet I can’t. As GB has already told me – ‘this is one thing we have to do on our own for now’ and I know he’s right.
I think that’s why I need to write it all down here, just to feel like I’m discussing it with someone. I know that I won’t be able to publish these words for at least two months, if at all, but it helps me to write it down. I know that there is so much that could still go wrong, and that these words might very well just be a reminder of what could have been, but I also know that I need to stay positive.
I’m going to see the Doctor on Monday so I just need to get through this weekend and then perhaps I’ll have a little clarity. An early night and trying hard to avoid googling every question under the sun about pregnancy is called for.
27th June 2016
It’s now Monday and today I had an appointment with my local GP which was the thing I’d been clinging on to all weekend in a sense that it might make this all feel official.
As it was she couldn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know so I still feel much the same as I did yesterday. She told me pregnancy tests are pretty conclusive so there wasn’t a huge need to have a test done by them unless I wanted to. I decided I did – there’s something about a doctor telling you something that is more solid in your mind than a piece of plastic with a line on it. I’ll get the results on Wednesday.
She did reassure me that those glasses of Prosecco aren’t anything to be worried about, which was a huge relief, but other than that there wasn’t much to be said or done.
I’ve been feeling better at least. The cramps aren’t as intense and the butterflies in my tummy seem to have calmed down for now. I’m still tired but other than that I feel pretty normal again, which in a strange way is odder than feeling out of sorts.
For now, I just need to try and stay healthy, stay positive and take my folic acid tablets – which I have been since we found out. There is really very little else I can do, my body is in control for now. Frustrating huh? I did however find out that they work out how far along you are from the date of your last period so in the Doctors terms I’m actually almost 6 weeks along, which is both terrifying and exciting. On the plus side it means we don’t have as long as we thought to wait before a first scan and a chance to tell people. On the down side it means the first trimester symptoms such as morning sickness and extreme fatigue could be hitting me sooner than I thought. So six weeks in, six weeks to go until the next stage and perhaps a little reassurance.
It’s a waiting game, and I’m never very good at waiting. Maybe I’ll buy another test…
29th June 2016
A phone call from the doctors today confirmed my pregnancy test results were positive, which was a strange experience. I had thought I’d be waiting by the phone, unable to think about anything else but actually, when my mobile rang that morning just after I’d come out of the shower, I found myself bemused as to who this unknown number could be. When the doctor mentioned her name, I found myself thinking ‘oh of course that was today’ as if I’d completely forgotten I needed to wait for this call. I guess I already knew the answer, after three home pregnancy tests. I mean if they’d said negative I would have been a little shocked and confused. Her next question was even stranger though – ‘Can I just ask why this test was taken? There were no notes left’. I couldn’t really think of any reason why a pregnancy test would be taken other than to find out if someone was pregnant so in my early morning state that was exactly how I responded – ‘Um… I wanted to confirm whether I was pregnant?’ to which she simply replied ‘I see… well you are’. It was all a little odd, so much so that I found myself being overly ecstatic at the news and telling the whole tale of how we’d already done a home pregnancy test but somehow hearing it from the doctor made it all the more official. For some reason I kept feeling the need to mention ‘we’ and ‘happy’ so that she’d know this wasn’t a mistake and I was married and 31 and ok with it all – how silly is that? Anyway after a bit of general chit chat, another appointment booked and rather annoyingly finding out that I could actually refer myself online to a hospital rather than waiting for them to do so, the call ended.
I decided that I needed to find a better GP and one that I could see regularly throughout this whole journey without me having to remind them who I was and what my ‘ailment’ was.
4th July 2016
We had a bit of a scare this weekend. These early stages of pregnancy really are testing – testing of your own strength, the strength of your relationship and the strength of willpower it takes not to phone your Mum in tears every five minutes and tell her everything that’s been going on. After very little in the way of pregnancy symptoms (other than tiredness) up until now, a few days ago I suddenly started getting sharp pains in my abdomen, mostly during the night, and found being at work (on the days and nights I go into an office) more of a struggle than usual. It was accompanied by some light bleeding, which although freaked me out to begin with, really wasn’t enough to make me think it was anything sinister initially. After endless browsing on online forums (my only friend right now) I put it down as a common occurrence and tried to carry on. But yesterday – feeling queasy, faint and still experiencing pain and bleeding – we started to worry it might be something else. I had read a bit about ectopic pregnancies and many of the symptoms fit. Everything I read online said it was dangerous to let it lie, and any suspicion at all should be checked out. Slightly difficult since we aren’t registered with a midwife or hospital yet. In the end I decided to call NHS 24, and after a call back from the on call doctor at my surgery she told me I needed to go for an early scan as soon as possible. Sunday’s are a no go, but I was told to get to the hospital by 9am today and wait for a walk in scan appointment. After I mentioned I was working today and asked if we could go on Tuesday instead, her exact words were ‘you need to take time off for this – it’s urgent’, which of course was enough to send me into turmoil for the rest of the day. I get that they need you to listen and all, but seriously is it necessary to say it like that?
Anyway I couldn’t do anything yesterday, and she advised simply resting and calling back if the bleeding got worse. A morning on the sofa watching Netflix ensued to try and take my mind off of everything, and then in the afternoon (craving some fresh air) we went out for a short walk and stopped for a bite to eat in a local cafe. It was an attempt to get out and talk about anything other than what might be going on in my body, and for us both to stop being nervous and not worry until we had to, so I couldn’t believe it when two heavily pregnant women sat at the table right next to us, drank two large glasses of red wine!! and proceeded to talk about their pregnancies and babies loudly throughout our entire time there. What did I tell you – testing.
Anyway after a sleepless night, an early start and an excruciating three hour wait in the early pregnancy unit where, at times, I felt like I might combust with nerves and impatience, my name was finally called, we spoke to a doctor (who reassured us we’d done the right thing coming in), had our first ever scan and, thankfully, were told all was ok. I’ve never been so thankful for anything in my life before. Turns out I have a small hematoma (blood clot) which was causing the pain and bleeding (which I could actually see on the monitor and was about three times the size of our little bean so it’s no wonder it was causing worry). Apparently it should disappear on its own but I just need to rest up and keep an eye on everything for the next week or so.
But anyway, to the more important news – we had a scan and we got to see a tiny moving smidge that is our baby for the first time. I mean it’s barely a smidge at the moment and I know it’s still early days and we’re not out of the dark yet but, oh my goodness how wonderful it was to see that flicker. That tiny little flicker inside me that means a heart beat. A real, live heart beat. Can you believe it? I certainly can’t.
I’ve spent these last few weeks saying it doesn’t feel real yet. But actually what I realised in that room today was that I was telling myself it wasn’t real yet so as to, in some way, protect myself from what may be ahead. I’ll say it again but it’s a testing time. You tell yourself every day that you’re not there yet, you can’t get too attached yet. And yet every day you are one step closer to that 12 week line you’ve set yourself, and every day you are one step closer to becoming a mother. It’s impossible not to get attached. Impossible. The thing is that the moment you see those two lines appear on the pregnancy test you’re already imagining what it might be like to hold a baby in your arms, your baby. And with every passing day that image only becomes stronger. It’s made me have such strong pain and empathy for anyone who has ever experienced the loss of a baby, no matter how far along they were. We had a scare today, which thankfully was just that, a scare. But it could have easily been something quite different and as I walked out of the hospital I couldn’t help but imagine how I might have felt if our news hadn’t been positive.
Everything is so out of your control at this stage, and our bodies can play cruel tricks on us. Today I realised that this is real, and it feels real. I saw that flicker with my own eyes. It was there. Something that is half me and half GB has been created and is growing inside of my body (in one of life’s most miraculous ways). Whatever happens from this point I can tell myself that. It was real and it did flicker.
We are by no means safe yet, but today we’re ok. I’m ok, GB is ok, and the little flicker is ok. And I’m learning that ‘today’ is all I can have right now.
11th July 2016
So another week has passed, and overall it’s been pretty uneventful. I guess that’s why I haven’t written anything here, because nothing has really happened. After our little scare last week, I made the decision as I walked out of the hospital that I simply wasn’t going to worry anymore. I wasn’t going to spend my days feeling anxious and panicked about what ‘might’ happen and instead just try and go about daily life as normal. I think seeing that little heartbeat certainly helped me relax, and since that was such a monumental moment, nothing going on in my body since has seemed particularly noteworthy. I’m now 8 weeks along so still very VERY early and time seems to be moving at an extraordinarily slow rate. I’m pretty much willing the weeks to go past so that we can reach the 12 week marker, hopefully unscathed, and breathe again. We’ve taken to calling our mini one ‘little flicker’ or ‘little heartbeat’ as I think that image of the tiny moving smidge from the scan is so ingrained in both of our minds every time we think about the pregnancy. I keep reminding myself that we might not get there – to the 12 weeks – and I shouldn’t get too attached. But frankly, it’s futile. I know we’ll both be utterly devastated if our little flicker doesn’t make it, we can’t avoid that. It’s now the size of a raspberry, and so anyone that tells me that isn’t worth getting upset over can do one. I’m just trying to be positive, every day. To be healthy, and do everything I can to make a good home for the little berry so they want to stick around.
One of my good friends gave birth to a little girl this weekend, and she’s utterly beautiful. My friend had quite a tough time of it and I’ve been worried sick about her all weekend but her and baby seem to be doing well now and I couldn’t be happier for them and their new little family. I couldn’t help but think about our situation while they were going through everything, and it’s made me so excited to think that next year we might be a team of three!
We’ve now got a date for our official first scan now and we’re counting down the days. I’ll actually be around 13 weeks by then so I can imagine I’ll be dying to see (and maybe even hear) the little heartbeat again. We’re also heading home to Scotland to see my parents for the bank holiday weekend in August (a week after the scan) so I guess that will be when we tell them all the news. Like I said – it’s impossible not to make plans, not to think about that stage.
So 4 weeks to go until we reach that all important 12 week date, 5 weeks today until our next scan. Please please stick with us little raspberry, you are already so loved and so wanted!
teeny little bump – and hiding the secret from friends…
21st July 2016
This week we hit 9 weeks pregnant and, according to the multiple pregnancy apps I have now downloaded to my phone, that means that little flicker (who’s now the size of a green olive) is no longer an embryo but has officially graduated to foetus stage. Can we get a woop woop? As great as this is, I am dumbfounded at how slowly time seems to be moving. Well time in baby’s terms anyway, day to day life seems to operate at its usual crazy speed and I’m knackered constantly, which makes no sense to me as the weeks of pregnancy seem to be taking FOREVER to move on. I mean seriously, can I only be 9 weeks? 9? It feels as if this blog post has been going on for a lifetime (I am slightly concerned at the length it’s going to be by the end but let’s not worry about that now shall we?). Anyway there is still a whole month until our scan, and the waiting is intolerable. I don’t think I’ve ever waited this long to find out about something so important before. It seems crazy that between finding out you are pregnant and getting that first scan you are just left to your own devices. I read a blog post entry from another newly pregnant blogger who lives in Canada recently and at only 5 weeks she was talking about blood tests and scans and work ups and telling people – maybe they have the right idea overseas, as here it all feels very lonely.
Anyway aside from the impatience for news, a few other things have occurred lately. After worrying about my lack of pregnancy symptoms for the last few weeks (apart from feeling exhausted all of the time, and getting bloated after every meal I’ve had no other concerns) I hit 9 weeks and it was like BAM hello nausea. And now I’m longing for the no symptoms again. The thing is, I know everyone’s different but when every website and app is telling you that you’re ‘probably running back and forward from the toilet with morning sickness every day’ and you feel nothing, it’s natural to think that something might be wrong. But then last night I couldn’t sleep because I felt so sick and had to sip cold water while sitting upright for hours until I drifted off. And this morning I went through constant waves of nausea and dizziness. It sort of feels like that drained lack of sustenance thing you get when you haven’t eaten, except that I had eaten. A LOT. Because that’s the other thing, I’m hungry ALL OF THE TIME. As someone who is used to being on the go a lot, and often doesn’t sit down for regular meals/ can find myself going long periods without eating, this has been something I’m not used to. I’m having to get really good at remembering to load my handbag with snacks every day so that I don’t crash, and I’m trying really hard to fill the fridge up with healthy things that I can cook easily when I’m working from home because one lunchtime I was so famished I ate an entire pizza for lunch. Yup, a whole pizza. And then GB came home and we had a normal sized dinner too.
I am concerned that I’m piling on the pounds already and I’m really worried about taking that ‘eating for two’ thing too far and getting to a weight that’s more bulge than baby, but at the same time I know I need to listen to my body if it’s telling me to eat. My clothes are definitely getting more snug (which I think is mostly due to the extreme bloating), and I’m already struggling with what to wear. Jeans are pretty much a no-go as I can barely button up most of the ones I have and they dig in so uncomfortably throughout the day. Luckily it’s been hot so floaty skirts and smock tops don’t look irregular, but I’m really conscious that I look a bit belly heavy already. I need to start doing some exercise as I’m determined to be one of those fit pregnant women who breeze through labour (ahem… or at least try to be) but right now its hard because I’m so exhausted all the time, and there’s still that fear of what exercise I should really be doing at this stage.
The other thing to note is that since becoming pregnant I have honestly never had so many alcohol related event invites/ sponsored post opportunities and projects come my way for this blog, which all feels very sods law. I’m sure it’s only because it’s summer and I’m more aware of it but I’ve been invited to wine tasting evenings, cocktail making classes, cheese and wine pairings, press trips on behalf of wineries and so on. And even the events that aren’t strictly alcohol related, always involve alcohol and it can get a little awkward when you are the only blogger there not drinking. I’m sure other people don’t think anything of it but because you are so aware of your ‘secret’ there’s a constant feeling of being ‘found out’. I don’t drive so don’t have that excuse and have done all of the others countless times, from ‘detoxing after a heavy weekend’ to ‘having an early start tomorrow’ to ‘it’s so hot right now I’m just too thirsty’ and even ‘I’m having stomach issues’. I don’t know why I feel the need to justify it but either way, I have found myself saying no to more events and press days as I’m realising that I just can’t do it all like I used to. I get tired so easily, I have to be careful about eating certain foods, and of course have to make up excuses about why I’m saying no to a glass of Prosecco – again. I’ll be so relieved when I can just be honest and tell people what’s really going on. It’s so hard meeting up with friends, especially my close close friends, as I feel as if I’m lying to them and I’m always convinced they know exactly what’s going on. I was out with a blogger friend recently who exclaimed ‘everyone’s getting pregnant right now’ and it took all my willpower not to blurt out ‘I know! And I’m one of them – don’t hate me’. I’m seeing one of my really good school friends next week who I haven’t seen since we found out, and it’s going to be tough not to say anything.
Anyway there’s still a long month in front of us before we’ll know if all is ok and can start sharing our news. I’m counting down the days.
28th July 2016
So we’ve hit week 10 and little flicker is now the size of a prune! I’m definitely feeling their presence more now too – I get nauseous most days, am starting to see my tummy get rounder and am constantly tired and out of sorts. This week we had our first meeting with our midwife – who was utterly lovely. So lovely in fact, I kind of wanted to take her home with me as a source of constant reassurance. I don’t know why I expected anything else to be honest, but I had this image in my head of some stern school teacher type, asking us probing questions and telling us we’d been doing it all wrong.
But instead she seemed genuinely excited for us, and was one of the first people to congratulate us properly (which felt really strange as so far we haven’t been able to tell anyone other than doctors who are all very matter of fact and medical about things. Hearing someone actually smile and say congratulations was a little reminder that this is happening and very soon we can get excited about it and start telling people). She reassured me about a lot of my worries, especially the fact that my symptoms haven’t been as severe as I was imagining they should be. She actually told me – ‘you have sore boobs and you’re tired – that’s enough!!’ which she’s right, it is. I shouldn’t wish for morning sickness!
This week also saw one of my good friends come to stay with us for the night, something I was extremely nervous about. Not because I didn’t want to see her, I was really excited about that, but because I was convinced that being in my natural environment at home would make it much more difficult to hide the fact I’m 10 weeks pregnant! I had to do a frantic tidy up of all doctors letters, pregnancy leaflets and stray packs of folic acid which were lying around before she arrived. And I put my extra baggy pyjamas on after dinner so she wouldn’t notice how bloated my belly gets after eating. But I realised that it’s probably only obvious to me because I’m thinking about it all the time, no one else would notice a difference. There were a few discussions about events in the next couple of months and arranging dates for her and her Husband to come through for a London get together and pub crawl, but I think I successfully managed to keep my cover intact. I just hope she isn’t too disappointed when the pub crawl doesn’t happen!
The other update is that I’m trying to start introducing some regular exercise into my lifestyle again. I’m still tired but I really feel like I need to start getting into some sort of routine, otherwise before I know it I’ll be half way through my pregnancy and it will be too difficult to do anything with a massive bump. Last Sunday I went for a short run (my first in a very long time) and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wasn’t the fastest – partly because my legs needed to remember how to do it and partly because I was worrying about the little flicker – but I made it around the park once which is around 2.5k so next time I’ll up it to twice round (5k) and see if I can get used to doing that once a week. Each day or evening I’ve been going for a walk, which is great while the weather is nice right now, and helps clear my head and waken me up a little after a day of work. And today, seeing as I’m working from home, I’m going to go for a swim at lunchtime. I’ve heard swimming is a good exercise to do while pregnant and I finally found a gym not too far away that allows non members to use the pool so hopefully if I like it and it’s not too busy, I’ll try and keep that up too. I really want to start yoga again but seeing as I cancelled my gym membership at the start of this year (they put the price up and I wasn’t going nearly enough to justify it) I can no longer go to those classes, and haven’t yet found any others that aren’t ridiculously expensive.
Anyway that’s about all the updates for this week – it’s now only 2 and a half weeks until our scan and I really can’t wait to know everything is ok and start telling people. I spoke to my Mum today and firstly she told me I sounded tired, and then she started randomly talking about us thinking about family in the future. I swear she has a sixth sense!
7th August 2016
So it’s August. That’s pretty crazy right? Realising that I’ve now been pregnant for two months is even crazier. Baby reached lime status this week, which I have to admit freaked me out slightly. I have a lime inside my belly – that’s big right? A whole lime. I couldn’t really visualise a prune all that much last week and a raspberry is tiny, I could easily swallow a raspberry whole so having that inside me isn’t all that weird. But a lime? A lime is a whole fruit and they can come pretty large in our supermarket so the idea of a lime sized baby inside of me is making it feel a lot more real.
We’re now 1 week tomorrow from our scan and it CANNOT come soon enough. These last 7 or so weeks have been THE longest weeks of my life, despite the fact they’ve been so busy. I keep thinking that if I just go go go and carry on with all the things we have in our diary the time will fly by and I won’t be counting down the days but I always still am.
I’m going through phases at the moment. There are days where I don’t feel pregnant AT ALL and if someone told me it was all a dream I might just believe them. Days where I feel so un-pregnant I’m wondering if maybe I’ve just eaten too many pies lately and convinced myself the weight gain is due to little flicker.
But then there’s other days (yesterday being one of them) where I feel so out of sorts that I can’t seem to function as a normal human being anymore, and the only thing I can attribute it to is pregnancy. I guess because this is our first pregnancy everything is new and we don’t really know what to expect from day to day. Would I get morning sickness? How would my body change? What would I feel like? Each day is answering some of those questions but each day also raises a million more. I think I’m just so eager for the scan just to see it for myself, to see that lime, and hear it and know that it’s definitely in there and doing ok.
This weekend was our seven year anniversary (since we met, not married – don’t worry you haven’t missed six years) and we spent it just outside of London at a hotel for a couple of days of rest and relaxation. It basically consisted of two days of sitting around in an outdoor pool, lounging in the sunshine garden next to the outside pool, eating all the delicious food, and flopping on a king size bed at night watching the Olympics on a giant flat screen TV. It was pretty much as relaxed as I could have got – I did NOTHING strenuous, exerted very little energy and ate my body weight in cakes. And yet yesterday when the time came to come home, I swear I have never felt tiredness like it. It was as if my body literally gave up on me. My legs didn’t want to work anymore, putting one foot in front of the other was ridiculously taxing and I could barely string a sentence together. I nearly had a meltdown at the train station when we arrived on the platform and had an 8 minute wait for the train and there were no seats. I just couldn’t stand anymore, all I wanted was to lie down and so I leaned my whole weight on GB and let him hold me up until the 8 mins had passed. While he spent the whole time cracking up at my total incompetence at life.
The second (and I mean the second) I sat my behind down on the train, I was out and slept the whole 50 minute journey home. Then the minute I got into the flat I took great delight in taking off my ridiculously uncomfortable jeans (nothing fits me anymore) flopped on the sofa and drifted in and out of sleep while watching the gymnastics. I woke up for some dinner, perked up a little, decided to put a film on and then before the opening titles had rolled I was sound asleep again. GB woke me up around 10pm and told me to go to bed, which I did, and I slept through until 8am this morning. That’s a good 10 hour sleep anyway but on top of all the other naps I reckon I was asleep longer than I was awake yesterday. You’d think that I’d be full of beans today because of it right? Nope, nearly asleep on the sofa again today just after breakfast. I just forced us out for a walk to try and wake myself up a little.
So yeah… like I said some days I don’t feel pregnant at all, and then others days are yesterday.
The other major issue at the moment is the mood swings. Now I’ve always been an emotional so and so, so you’d think I’d be accustomed to this, but the ups and downs are coming thick and fast. Most of my meltdowns are due to my size, and the fact that I’m really struggling with what to wear day to day. I know it’s inevitable to put on weight, and obviously my style will have to change now but for someone who loves dressing up in pretty clothes it’s so frustrating to feel rubbish in everything I own. I feel as if I have ballooned already and I’m finding the changes to my body really difficult to get used to. I, perhaps naively, imagined that it would be quite a while before I began to show, and when I did I would keep the shape I had but just get a nice neat little bump to the front. I can already tell that this is NOT going to be the case for me. Despite trying to exercise at least once a day, everything has expanded. My hips are wider, my thighs, bum, and even calves are looking chunkier. I have no waist whatsoever anymore, I’m now just a blob around the middle and my boobs are huge (for me). Because I have quite small frame up top (narrow shoulders, pea sized head) I feel as if I look so out of proportion and am feeling really body conscious. This, alongside trying to find clothes (ANY CLOTHES) that don’t A. feel ridiculously uncomfortable and B. cling to my ever burgeoning tummy, is causing many a tearful breakdown.
Last week I bought an off shoulder smock top from H&M in a size 16 and have been living in it ever since. For someone who’s quite into fashion, it’s been a tough transition but once we get past the scan perhaps I can treat myself to some new (baggy) clothes – joy of joys. Hashtag – this is my life now.
Anyway I’ll just be over here (probably falling asleep) in my baggiest boyfriend jeans (the ones that used to hang off me but now can barely do up) and the smock top I’ve had on repeat for a week, moaning to GB about how tired and nauseous I feel. It’s all fun and games in our household right now!
Maybe next time you hear from me, I’ll have had the scan. All parts of my beached whale body crossed that I’ll be bringing good news!
9th August 2016
So… the secret is out. Well not fully, but my parents have found out our news. WAY ahead of schedule, and it was totally my fault. Basically we didn’t want to tell anyone anything until after the scan, which we’re still standing by, and we are heading up to Scotland the last weekend in August (for the bank holiday) so were planning to break the news then (if all goes ok next week). Because my parents live so far away, I REALLY REALLY wanted to tell them in person, so that I could see their reactions first hand and be there to give them a hug. That meant a lot to me… but then yesterday afternoon I was messaging both my Mum and GB at the same time on Whats app and, well you can guess what I did. I sent the message that was meant for GB (mentioning speaking to the midwife) to my Mum by accident. I didn’t even realise I’d done it to be honest, and looking back I shouldn’t have been so cavalier as to be mentioning anything on message, but before I’d noticed my mistake it was too late, my Mum had read it and reacted. BOY did she react. In a good way of course – she was practically screaming down the phone at me in excitement. She said that subconsciously I must have wanted her to know, and maybe there’s something in that because I have been worrying a lot and it does feel a bit of a relief to know that someone else other than me and GB knows, just in case anything should go wrong.
But on the other hand I’m totally gutted. Gutted that I’ve missed out on such a big life moment as telling your parents they are going to be grandparents for the first time. Gutted I didn’t get to see their faces, rather than just hear their voices. Gutted its three weeks before I see them and get to hug them and really annoyed at myself for letting the secret slip in such a un-monumental way.
But there you go, it’s happened, it’s out there. They know. At least we still get to surprise GB’s family and our friends in a way that might be a bit more exciting than ‘oh crap I sent the wrong message’.
Basically I’m trying to avoid talking to them too much before the scan, as it still feels wrong getting excited until we’ve had the all clear. And then I might just have to get them to pretend they still don’t know when we come home so that we can go through with our original plan to surprise them… although I’m not sure my Mum will be able to contain herself!
5 days to go until scan day!!
My first bump pic – basically just looking a bit fat!
16th August 2016
GUYS!!! WE’RE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!
Yesterday morning was our scan (FINALLY!) and although I hadn’t slept for three nights beforehand out of worry, and have never been so nervous in all of my life, we did it, and we got to see our little flicker again. Who can I tell you, is most definitely not just a flicker anymore! They’re a real baby with arms and legs and a spine and a head and a stomach, and oh my goodness I was dumbfounded by how much we could see on that screen. I haven’t stopped staring at the photos we got to take home since, and just keep marvelling at the fact that that baby shaped mass is inside ME. It’s so surreal.
It really was the most wonderful and exciting thing I think I’ve ever experienced though, and such a HUGE relief to know that yes, there is a baby in there (I wasn’t imagining it all) and yes, they’re ok and kicking around inside me happily. I slept more soundly than I have in the last two months last night, and my shoulders feel so much lighter today just out of relief. It’s like the last two months of worry have been lifted and we are so SO delighted and happy and EXCITED! A little baby, our little baby is growing away inside me and we’ll get to meet them in six months time. SIX!! That’s not long is it? Eek!
I’m also exhausted today though – yesterday felt like such a big day, so full of emotion and monumental events that today I’m just a bit of a zombie. I’m letting it all sink in though, letting myself get excited, and looking forward to starting to tell people.
As much as I felt a bit gutted last week that I’d accidentally told my parents before we planned to, yesterday I was so happy that they already knew and we could finally talk about it freely. We Facetimed them last night to show them the photos and tell them everything and it was lovely. I realise now that I don’t think we could have waited until we go back to Scotland at the end of the month to tell them – it would have been too difficult to keep the secret any longer. Tonight we’re going to speak to Stu’s parents too and surprise them because we can’t contain it even one more day, and then I can start telling my friends. It’s hugely nerve wracking telling people though – I’m never quite sure how they’re going to react!
Tomorrow I hit 13 weeks and baby will be a peach. That’s easier to comprehend now that I’ve seen them and I have the photos to look at whenever I feel like it might not be real. So I guess we’ve got a few weeks of meeting up with friends and family and sharing the news to look forward to now, and a (hopefully) slightly more relaxed few weeks to watch my bump grow ever bigger. I’m still exhausted so I’m really hoping my energy comes back soon, but for now I can’t complain about anything really, I’m just too happy.
Perhaps I’ll be able to share the news on the blog soon too (and you’ll get to read this finally), so I’ll need to put my thinking cap on to figure out how to do that in a creative way.
I’m going to sign out from this first trimester diary here, as tomorrow I’ll be 13 weeks pregnant and in the second trimester which is crazy. I don’t think any update can be better than this one right now though so it seems a good place to end the first chapter of our journey. Toodles from me and the (not so) little flicker!